I’m Xenia and I am a storyteller. I dream, read, watch, picture and above all, write stories.
In another life I have been studying film directing and worked myself to the bones. The sexist experiences and my perfectionism drained not only my energy, but my passion.
From the egocentric film industry I threw myself into altruism. If I was a character in a book, I’d say it makes sense, I fled into medicine. Medicine works with facts, studies and hard skills, that can be tested and seen. The end result is clear and it is not filled with self-centred people.
This is over-simplistic and definitely not true, but I guess some of these thoughts might have flown around my subconscious mind.
I tried to bury my creativity
While I washed the most private parts of people, who were not able to do that anymore themselves, I told myself, it will be worth it.
One day, you will be the surgeon, who cuts these people open, repairs them, if possible, and sews them up again.
But that’s not how healing works. Not for all. In fact, most physical sicknesses are connected to the mental state of mind. Nurses do just as much healing as surgeons.
This is also not how healing worked for me. I couldn’t just swallow the stories I always loved creating, even while dreaming at night; and sew them up.
I lived the life of a nurse-in-training, of a waitress, of a sales worker at ZARA, of a Hot-Dog-Seller at IKEA.
Then, I put my studies (Media) to use and applied at a digital agency. This was three years ago and I am still working there. However, in part time and from home by now. It felt good to use my creativity again, even though just fragments of it.
This self-destructive passion everyone craves for
I never stopped searching for this one big passion, that should replace film directing, for what I sweated blood for. As long as I had a plan, a dream, I felt safe. And since I always loved creating characters and analysing them, my next idea was psychology. Yup, not writing.
It was obvious, actually. While writing, we work with psychology. It is our tool. But even a psycho therapist sometimes needs therapy.
I studied psychology at a private school with financial aid (that I have to pay back the next 20 years of my life). One of my subjects in the second semester used film characters as examples to explain social psychology theories (pretty badass, right?). Only then I realised that I just craved for creating my own characters again. Writing never was anything, I have given up on. It wasn’t a routine of mine, but it was present.
I stopped running around searching for THAT dream, that triggers self-destructive behaviour within me. I just started to do what I love.
A dreaming realist isn’t a paradox
Obviously, I have to pay my bills, so I have my part-time job at a digital agency. Luckily, my tasks are connected to writing, editing and social media. It is fun work, that is not draining, so that my mind is still ready to do some writing at the end of the day. But I only work just enough to keep living where I live, leaving enough time to write, to think and yes, even for free time!
I am passionate about writing. And now I know, there is this healthy kind of passion. Instead of always trying to challenge myself with huge changes, why not just do what I know, I love? Finding the challenge in improving my writing, in getting it out there and order my life around it, so that I can focus on it.
My blog is about writing non-stereotypical, but it is also about writing, while being happy. I am privileged to have the possibility of living this way. I know, that it is not possible for everyone. Xenia from five years ago might have used phrasemongery such as this: “If you don’t write daily, you are not a writer”, “You have to sweat blood for it”, “You must be ready to give up everything for it”. I found I my best daily writing routines, when I have been able to calm my mind. When I stopped chasing success defined by capitalism.
If you have come here to find someone like that to kick your backside, I am sorry to disappoint you.
But if you have come here to learn with me, to work on your non-stereotypical writing skills, let us dive in together!